Humor: Best of Fortunes for Thursday March 21, 2019

DELETE A FORTUNE! Don't some of these fortunes just drive...
DELETE A FORTUNE! Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it gets expunged.

If you want to understand your government, don't begin...
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all...

A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly...
A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word.

There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across...
There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

Only fools are quoted. -- Anonymous
Only fools are quoted. -- Anonymous

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have...
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we". -- Mark Twain

Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue...
Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers

Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!

Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.

Oh give me your pity! I'm on a committee, ...
Oh give me your pity! I'm on a committee, We attend and amend Which means that from morning And contend and defend to night, Without a conclusion in sight. We confer and concur, We defer...