Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of July, 2019

There once was a lady named Myrtle Who had an affair with...
There once was a lady named Myrtle Who had an affair with a turtle. She had crabs, so they say, In a year and a day Which proved that that turtle was fertile.

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken...
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in...

The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,...
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.

Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.

Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever...
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.

A clerical student named Pryne Through pain sought to reach...
A clerical student named Pryne Through pain sought to reach the divine: He wore a hair shirt, Quite often ate dirt, And bathed every Friday in brine. -- Edward Gorey

A corpulent maiden named Kroll Had a notion exceedingly droll: ...
A corpulent maiden named Kroll Had a notion exceedingly droll: At a masquerade ball, Dressed in nothing at all, She backed in as a Parker House roll.

A fellow whose surname was Hunt Trained his cock to perform...
A fellow whose surname was Hunt Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: This versatile spout Could be turned inside out, Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.

A mathematician named Hall Had a hexhedronical ball, ...
A mathematician named Hall Had a hexhedronical ball, And the square of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight, Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.

A pious young lady named Finnegan Would caution her friend,...
A pious young lady named Finnegan Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; So time it aright, Make it last through the night, For I certainly don't want to sin again!"