Freebsd Fortunes 2

        "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
"of course you know what 'it' means."

        "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.

The question is, what did the archbishop find?"

        Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular
evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
        One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
        At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
        They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies.  What are your
thoughts?"
        Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"

        Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
"What happened?"  "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
        A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops and starts
that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
        An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they
had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
        A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from
his honeymoon a chastened man.  He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
        A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

        Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
        "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
        "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."

        "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
extracurricular activity except you."
        "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
        "Only to ten, Mudhead."

        "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"

        God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
differences once and for all.
        When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

        Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
        Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
        The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
        Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
        Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.

        Thank you and good luck.
                -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.

        Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
may be in Science.  As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results.  And listen to others,
even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers.  Avoid loud and
aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
        If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
        Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
bugs.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations.  Strive for
proportionality.  Especially, do not faint when it occurs.  Neither be cyclical
about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
        Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points.  Gracefully pass
them on to the youth at the next desk.  Nurture some mutual funds to shield
you in times of sudden layoffs.  But do not distress yourself with imaginings
-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly.  Murphy's Law runs the
Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
        Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
can conceive of to try.  With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary.  Be linear.  Strive
to stay employed.
                -- Technolorata, "Analog", Dr. Arlan Keith Andrews, Sr.

        "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
verbed, and adjectives adverbised.  He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
had actually implicationed.
        "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
since Clausewitz.  Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
                -- The Guardian