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Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
(1) Houses are for people to live in.
(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
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ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
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Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
none of his friends like him either.
-- Oscar Wilde
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Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
"I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
"Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
"The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
"The test or the room?"
"The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
"The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
"Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
-- House of God
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Bershere's Formula for Failure:
There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
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Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse
and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get
all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
-- Dave Barry
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Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
victuals being spent and especially our beer."
-- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
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Best Mistakes In Films
In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
with television aerials.
In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
in the background.
In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
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Best of all is never to have been born.
Second best is to die soon.
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beta test, v:
To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.