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Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
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Must I hold a candle to my shames?
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
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Any item of food that has been sitting in the
refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
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My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
-- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
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My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
And you know two heads are better than one.
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My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
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My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
The height of its contents to see!
She lit a small match to assist her,
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
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My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
a bulls-eye on the back.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
said, "So will you."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
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My brain is my second favorite organ.
-- Woody Allen
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My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo
of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
-- Steven Wright