Freebsd Fortunes 6

SPAGMUMPS:
        Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
                -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Speak roughly to your little boy,
        And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy
        Because he knows it teases.

        Wow! wow! wow!

I speak severely to my boy,
        And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
        The pepper when he pleases!

        Wow! wow! wow!

Speak roughly to your little Vax,
And boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
Because the paging thrashes!

I speak severely to my Vax,
And boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks,
My jobs it always trashes!

Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.

"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee.  Of all divers,
thou has dived the deepest.  That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
moved amid the world's foundations.  Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
water-land, there was thy most familiar home.  Thou hast been where bell or
diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
would give their lives to lay them down.  Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them.  Thou saw'st the
murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms.  O head! thou has
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
syllable is thine!"
                -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"

Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free the middle third?
Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a controlled variable procedure
parameter and reallocate it before passing it back?  Overlay three different
types of variable on the same memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a
recursive macro?  Well, no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language
so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?

Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
who can't communicate with their parents, and so on.  And the characters in
these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate.  I feel that if a person can't
communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
                -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"

Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
on sale.  After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!

Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
young adventurers.  All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
Faculty members especially welcome.

Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
                -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907