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The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
-- Robert Woodhead
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The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
when called upon.
When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
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The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
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The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
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The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
of Corporate Planning."
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The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
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The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
god at 8:15 the next morning.
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The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
more like fourteen.
-- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
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The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
"Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
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THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
"Sorry," he said with a smile.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.