Freebsd Fortunes 2

        "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
        "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
                -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"

        "What's that thing?"
        "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
                -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly

        When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
political views.
        "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer.  He was
driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
'Why don't we sit closer together?  Before we were married, we always sat
closer together.'  The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
        "I ain't moved," added Cotton.  "I found the trend of Government has
moved farther to the left."
                -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"

        When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
to be cut.  When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
roll in.
        Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
        When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored.  When
accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
be solved.
        Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

        When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
        "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"

        When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
hands.  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil.  This is a happy
but fleeting state of affairs.  Usually your feelings die about thirty
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty.  Wanna get high?
        Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
Rumania.
                -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"

        "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
        "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say, Piglet?"
        "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
Piglet.
        Pooh nodded thoughtfully.  "It's the same thing," he said.

        While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
        "Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
        "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
then.  We're trying to catch her."
        "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
carrying a bucket of sand?"
        "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."

        While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
        Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
you burn, madam."

        While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
        "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant.  "What do you
mean?"
        The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
a moment ago.  It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
salt was rare and expensive.  A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long.  At first the miller
thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
more salt.  The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
acres.  At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
be rid of it.  But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
why the sea is salt."
        "I don't get you," said the assistant.
                -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"