Humor: Worst of Fortunes for the month of January, 2014

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken...
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in...

There once was a man named McSweeny Who spilled lots of gin...
There once was a man named McSweeny Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney So just to be couth He added vermouth And slipped his best girl a martini.

There was a young fellow named Price Who dabbled in all sorts...
There was a young fellow named Price Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. He had virgins and boys And mechanical toys, And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!

There was a young man from Rangoon Who used to lament 'neath...
There was a young man from Rangoon Who used to lament 'neath the moon That he had the luck To be born of a fuck That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.

There was a young man from St. Paul's Who read "Harper's...
There was a young man from St. Paul's Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" Till he grew such a passion For feminine fashion That he knitted a snood for his balls.

Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured...
Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the Royal Geographical Society, for even there...

A Frenchman who lived in Alsace Had sex with a virgin named...
A Frenchman who lived in Alsace Had sex with a virgin named Grace. When he popped her cherry, She made things hairy By bleeding all over his face.

A newlywed couple from Goshen Spent their honeymoon sailing...
A newlywed couple from Goshen Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. In twenty-eight days They got laid eighty ways -- Imagine such fucking devotion!

An eager young hacker named Gus Once buggered a VAX Unibus...
An eager young hacker named Gus Once buggered a VAX Unibus. The hardware went bad, But not the young lad (Except for the toupee and truss).

There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in...
There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. His daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man, And as for the bucket, Nantucket. The pair of them went to Manhasset, (Nan and the man with the asset.)...