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The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.

"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The
Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The
National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running
the country ..."
                -- Robert J Woodhead

The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
plausible manner and a little literary ability.  The capacity to steal
other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
                -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"

The world really isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage
is so much better.

        "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
        "NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?"
        "I'll put `maybe.'"
                -- Bloom County

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.  Had there been an
actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?

This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you
would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.

Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up.
                -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83

You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens
anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
you can always change the channel.
                -- Jim Ignatowski