Linux Humorists

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's worse,
what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
them puke.
                -- Steve Martin

        "What shall we do?" said Twoflower.
        "Panic?" said Rincewind hopefully.  He always held that panic was
the best means of survival; back in the olden days, his theory went, people
faced with hungry sabretoothed tigers could be divided very simply into
those who panicked and those who stood there saying "What a magnificent
brute!" and "Here, pussy."
                -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"

What's another word for "thesaurus"?
                -- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
                -- Steven Wright

When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
                -- Rodney Dangerfield

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well.
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
                -- Steven Wright

Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
                -- John Kenneth Galbraith

Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
                -- Steven Wright