Linux Humorists

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
                -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
                -- Bill Cosby

First, a few words about tools.

Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the
laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure
yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If you're ever
walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly
smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted.  If I were you,
I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
                -- Steven Wright

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed
with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
                -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"

God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.

He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
                -- Steven Wright

"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
                -- Jay Leno

Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and
*parks* on *driveways*?
                -- Gallagher

High Priest:    Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
Bro. Maynard:   And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
        saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
        smash our enemies to tiny bits."  And the Lord did grin, and the
        people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
        breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
High Priest:    Skip a bit, brother.
Bro. Maynard:   And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
        out the holy pin.  Then shalt thou count to three.  No more, no less.
        *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
        counting shall be three.  *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
        count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three.  Five is
        RIGHT OUT.  Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
        then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
        naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.  Amen.
All:    Amen.
                -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"