Linux Humorists

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
it's going to be up all night.
                -- Steven Wright

I have a box of telephone rings under my bed.  Whenever I get lonely, I
open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call.  One day I dropped the
box all over the floor.  The phone wouldn't stop ringing.  I had to get
it disconnected.  So I got a new phone.  I didn't have much money, so I
had to get an irregular.  It doesn't have a five.  I ran into a friend
of mine on the street the other day.  He said why don't you give me a
call.  I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
doesn't have a five.  He asked how long had it been that way.  I said I
didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
                -- Steven Wright

I have a dog; I named him Stay.  So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
Stay, here..." but he got wise to that.  Now when I call him he ignores me
and just keeps on typing.
                -- Steven Wright

I have a friend whose a billionaire.  He invented Cliff's notes.  When
I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
I just... to make a long story short..."
                -- Steven Wright

I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep
it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.
                -- Steven Wright

I have a map of the United States.  It's actual size.  I spent last summer
folding it.  People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
                -- Steven Wright

I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.
                -- Richard Diran

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.  Every once
in a while I turn it on and off.  On and off.  On and off.  One day I
got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
                -- Steven Wright

I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it.
                -- Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident.
I hit a bookmark.
                -- Steven Wright