Linux Humorists

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats
on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
                -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
                -- Steven Wright

        "I said I hope it is a good party," said Galder, loudly.
        "AT THE MOMENT IT IS," said Death levelly.  "I THINK IT MIGHT GO
DOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT."
        "Why?"
        "THAT'S WHEN THEY THINK I'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF."
                -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
                -- Steven Wright

I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm older than
most western countries.
                -- George Burns

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're going
to make a game out of it.
                -- Woody Allen

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
house and four people died.
                -- Steven Wright

I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too
much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After much
trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face
is up.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me.  Last week I went to the track
and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table.  I said,
"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
                -- Rodney Dangerfield

I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
                -- Firesign Theatre