Linux Humorists
fortune: 89 - 98 of 196 from linux humorists
Motd - Message of the Day
Humor, Quotes, Proverbs, Aphorisms... Ji Funda Jo Hai  
Daily Fortunes Feed Subscribe - Daily Fortunes - motd.ambians.com
Daily fortunes for your site
May 22, 2018
Motd Home     Daily Fortunes     Best of Fortunes     Worst of Fortunes

Linux Humorists

Fortune: 89 - 98 of 196 from Linux Humorists

Linux Humorists:  89 of 196

I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too
much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After much
trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face
is up.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
 
Linux Humorists:  90 of 196

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me.  Last week I went to the track
and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table.  I said,
"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
                -- Rodney Dangerfield
 
Linux Humorists:  91 of 196

I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
                -- Firesign Theatre
 
Linux Humorists:  92 of 196

I thought there was something fishy about the butler.  Probably a Pisces,
working for scale.
                -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
 
Linux Humorists:  93 of 196

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.

It's about Russia.
                -- Woody Allen
 
Linux Humorists:  94 of 196

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said "I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80
degrees today," and I said "Oops."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
I never have to go upstairs.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
                -- Steven Wright
 
Linux Humorists:  95 of 196

I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today.  The officer said, "Don't you know
the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"  And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
to be out that long."

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out.  Now
my car goes 500 miles an hour.
                -- Steven Wright
 
Linux Humorists:  96 of 196

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
                -- Steven Wright
 
Linux Humorists:  97 of 196

I was at this restaurant.  The sign said "Breakfast Anytime."  So I
ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
                -- Steven Wright
 
Linux Humorists:  98 of 196

"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn.  By accident I
put the car key in the door lock.  The house started up.  So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.  I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
get off my driveway."
                -- Steven Wright
« Prev Random Linux Humorists   Next »
« Prev  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  16  17  18  19  20  Next »
Search [help]

About  |  Contact Us  |  Terms of Use  |  Privacy & Disclosure
FreeBsd Quotes  |  Linux Quotes