Linux Work

What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

What they said:
    What they meant:

"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
    (Yes, that about sums it up.)
"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
    (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
    (What a screw-up.)
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
    (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
a long way with his skills."
    (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
"You won't find many people like her."
    (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
"I cannot reccommend him too highly."
    (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
     felony in my presence.)

What they said:
    What they meant:

"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
of him as I do."
    (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
"Her input was always critical."
    (She never had a good word to say.)
"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
    (And it's nonexistent.)
"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
already has so many outstanding members."
    (Unless you already have a moron.)
"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
one unbelievable result after another."
    (And we didn't believe them, either.)
"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
    (In fact, to life in general...)

What they said:
    What they meant:

"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
    (We certainly never succeeded.)
There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
    (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
"Success will never spoil him."
    (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
    (And such a sigh of relief.)
"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
    (And his IQ, as well.)
"He should go far."
    (The farther the better.)
"He will take full advantage of his staff."
    (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)

What they say:              What they mean:

A major technological breakthrough...   Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of research   Discovered by pure accident.
Project behind original schedule due    We're working on something else.
    to unforseen difficulties
Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed   So far behind schedule that they'll be
    assured                 grateful for anything at all.
Close project coordination      We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
Test results were extremely gratifying  It works, and boy, were we surprised!
The design will be finalized...     We haven't started yet, but we've got
                        to say something.
The entire concept has been rejected    The guy who designed it quit.
We're moving forward with a fresh   We hired three new guys, and they're
    approach                kicking it around.
A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
                        we're moving.
Preliminary operational tests are   Blew up when we turned it on.
    inconclusive
Modifications are underway      We're starting over.

What they say:          What they mean:

New             Different colors from previous version.
All New             Not compatible with previous version.
Exclusive           Nobody else has documentation.
Unmatched           Almost as good as the competition.
Design Simplicity       The company wouldn't give us any money.
Fool-proof Operation        All parameters are hard-coded.
Advanced Design         Nobody really understands it.
Here At Last            Didn't get it done on time.
Field Tested            We don't have any simulators.
Years of Development        Finally got one to work.
Unprecedented Performance   Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Revolutionary           Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
Futuristic          Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
No Maintenance          Impossible to fix.
Performance Proven      Worked through Beta test.
Meets Tough Quality Standards   It compiles without errors.
Satisfaction Guaranteed     We'll send you another pack if it fails.
Stock Item          We shipped it before and can do it again.

What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.

What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!

What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.

What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.