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Fortune's diet truths:
1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
appealing as tepid beer.
6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
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God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
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GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
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Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
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Has your family tried 'em?
Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
stains that indicate freshness.
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Have a taco.
-- P.S. Beagle
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Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
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Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
-- Jack Benny
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"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
of her blonde companion.
"Fishing through the ice," she replied.
"Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
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How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
a waiter at a nice party?
Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is
cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"