Linux Food

Lobster:
        Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked.
The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster
behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
apparatus you call a memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may
even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into
the pot.  Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will
be, too.
                -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and
                   Utensils into Excuses and Apologies"

Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten
to the punch.

MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)

  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie        36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water                             2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar              2 tablespoons lemon juice
  Grated rind of one lemon                 Butter or margarine
  Cinnamon

Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
                -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box

Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
                -- E.W. Howe

Mountain Dew and doughnuts...  because breakfast is the most important meal
of the day.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless there
are three other people.
                -- Orson Welles

My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
                -- Senator Hubert Humphrey

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled with
the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to change into
lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.

Never eat anything bigger than your head.