Freebsd Fortunes 2

        A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
        A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
        "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
dog's stuck in its throat."

        A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact.  Someone pointed out that it's
the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.

        A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
days old.  He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.

        A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
        The housewife replied, "Four!".
        The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures
through my spread sheet one more time."
        The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

        A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.  "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
lawyer.
        "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.  However,
I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
        "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
        "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

        A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
the bartender.  "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
        The bartender ignores him.
        "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
        Still ignored.
        "HEY BARMAN!!  GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
        The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
        Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."

        A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot.  He points
to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
        When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
and asks why it is so much.  "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
French and can recite the periodic table."  He points to another bird
and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
        Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird.  "Ah," he is
told, "that one is 150,000."
        "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
        "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
                -- being told in Poland, 1987

        A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
Knuth.  When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found.  "Where is the
wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
        "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
disciples."
        Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.

        A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar.  They got along well,
shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening.  When he left her, he told her
that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
soon.  Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
        The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing.  She
agreed.  As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
knife!
        Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
afternoon finding a particularly unusual one.  Arriving at her apartment
he immediately presented her with the knife.  She ooohed and ahhhed over it
for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
        Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
        "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
won't always be true.  And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"

        A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
was making a bolt for the door.