Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of September, 2016

There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in...
There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. His daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man, And as for the bucket, Nantucket. The pair of them went to Manhasset, (Nan and the man with the asset.)...

There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing...
There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing machine. Both concave and convex, It could please either sex, But, oh, what a bastard to clean!

There was a young man from Bombay Who fashioned a cunt out...
There was a young man from Bombay Who fashioned a cunt out of clay But the heat of his prick Turned it into a brick And rubbed all his foreskin away.

If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back,...
If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.

The one L lama, he's a priest The two L llama, he's a beast...
The one L lama, he's a priest The two L llama, he's a beast And I will bet my silk pyjama There isn't any three L lllama. -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally his department responded to something...

"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket...
"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light." -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk

A Severe Strain on the Credulity As a method of sending...
A Severe Strain on the Credulity As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers...

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken...
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in...

Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, ...
Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, And he's...

William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split...
William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out...