Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of August, 2021

Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies...
Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. -- Charles D'Hericault

There once was a fencer named Fisk, Whose speed was incredibly...
There once was a fencer named Fisk, Whose speed was incredibly brisk. So fast was his action, The Fitzgerald contraction, Foreshortended his foil to a disk.

There once was a young man from Boston Who drove around town...
There once was a young man from Boston Who drove around town in an Austin, There was room for his ass, And a gallon of gas, So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.

There was a young lady named Gloria Who was had by Sir Gerald...
There was a young lady named Gloria Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, And then by six men, Sir Gerald again, And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows...
Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol... -- Crazy Nigel

A broken-down harlot named Tupps Was heard to confess in...
A broken-down harlot named Tupps Was heard to confess in her cups: "The height of my folly Was fucking a collie -- But I got a nice price for the pups."

A corpulent maiden named Kroll Had a notion exceedingly droll: ...
A corpulent maiden named Kroll Had a notion exceedingly droll: At a masquerade ball, Dressed in nothing at all, She backed in as a Parker House roll.

A hardware debugger named Court Shoved his tool in an Ethernet...
A hardware debugger named Court Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. But its buffer array Only handled 1K, So the port's driver cut it off short.

A huge-organed female in Dallas, Named Alice, who yearned for...
A huge-organed female in Dallas, Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, Was virgo intacto, Because, ipso facto, No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.

A lady born under a curse Used to drive forth each day in...
A lady born under a curse Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; From the back she would wail Through a thickness of veil: "Things do not get better, but worse." -- Edward Gorey