Freebsd Fortunes 2

        An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
        After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
voluptuous woman.
        After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
        The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
        "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
handsome prince!"
        And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
        As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
fixed?"

        An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
is severely rationed).  When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
        "What is this?" he shouts.  "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
piece of meat?  This rotten system stinks!"
        Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
"Take it easy, comrade.  Remember what would have happened if you had made an
outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
this head and pulls the trigger.
        The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
again?"
        "It's worse than that," he replies.  "They're out of bullets."
                -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987

        An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
to killed, your deaths will not be in vain.  Every part of your body will be
used.  Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry.  Your hair will be
woven into clothing, for my people are naked.  Your bones will be ground up
and made into medicine, for my people are sick.  Your skin will be stretched
over canoe frames, for my people need transportation.  We are a fair people,
and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
        The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
while plunging the knife into his heart.
        The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
        The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"

        An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?"
        Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
                -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"

        And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
        (skip a bit brother...)
        Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
shall be three.  Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.  Once the number
three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
snuff it.
                -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"

        "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
        "Diet."

        "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
posh hotel.
        "No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
        "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
        "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
a postcard?"

        "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
        "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime."
        "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
        "That was the curious incident."
                -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"

        Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
preaching to a group of disciples.
        "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
the absolute reality of --"
        "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
        Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
vaporized.
        On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
with the spirit of the morning.
        "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
"Thou art That..."
        "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
        Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
and he vaporized.
        Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
        "US?" snapped Hakuin.
        Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
Governor, and he vaporized.
        Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
his shotgun.  "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"

        As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
for more than 15 percent of their life span.  The words "I am sorry" and "I
am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary.  They will stab
you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
        "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave.  But I feel *better*
for doing it."
                -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"