Freebsd Fortunes 2

        Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor
any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
center of the dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will
usually know what's wrong."

        Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
boat into the lake.  Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
        By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
teeth were chattering like all get out.  Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
        Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
Leroy, listen closely.  Bubba is in great danger.  He has hy-po-thermia.  Now
what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him.  Then you all
get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
You understand me Leroy?  You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
        Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
pier.  "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
        "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."

        By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
the South, were of the present standard gauge.  The southern roads were
still five feet between rails.
        It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
in one day.  This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
of 1886.  For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
could run on the new track as soon as it was ready.  Finally, on the day set,
great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn.  Everywhere one
rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
new position.  By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
was possible.
                -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957

        Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
along the block of booths.  She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
        Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
        Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
        Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
        Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
        Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
it some other time, Carrie."
        She gave it up.
                -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"

        Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."

        Chapter VIII
Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.

        Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks.  I think we need more
owls."
                -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"

        COONDOG MEMORY
        (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)

Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
try out ol' Sis here.  So I turned her out south of the house and she made
two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
something treed.  We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it.  So I pulled off my
coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back.  Now, this dog
is for sale.
                -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly

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        Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule

        Sept 14         Pasadena Junior High
        Sept 21         Boy Scout Troop 049
        Sept 28         Blind Academy
        Sept 30         World War I Veterans
        Oct 5           Brownie Scout Troop 041
        Oct 12          Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
        Oct 26          St. Thomas Boys Choir
        Nov 2           Texas City Vet Clinic
        Nov 9           Korean War Amputees
        Nov 15          VA Hospital Polio Patients