Freebsd Fortunes 2

        Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
        "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
        "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."

        "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
extracurricular activity except you."
        "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
        "Only to ten, Mudhead."

        "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"

        God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
differences once and for all.
        When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

        Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
        Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
        The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
        Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
        Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.

        Thank you and good luck.
                -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.

        Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
may be in Science.  As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results.  And listen to others,
even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers.  Avoid loud and
aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
        If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
        Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
bugs.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations.  Strive for
proportionality.  Especially, do not faint when it occurs.  Neither be cyclical
about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
        Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points.  Gracefully pass
them on to the youth at the next desk.  Nurture some mutual funds to shield
you in times of sudden layoffs.  But do not distress yourself with imaginings
-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly.  Murphy's Law runs the
Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
        Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
can conceive of to try.  With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary.  Be linear.  Strive
to stay employed.
                -- Technolorata, "Analog", Dr. Arlan Keith Andrews, Sr.

        "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
verbed, and adjectives adverbised.  He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
had actually implicationed.
        "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
since Clausewitz.  Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
                -- The Guardian

        Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse.  Software said: "You
are the Yin and I am the Yang.  If we travel together we will become famous
and earn vast sums of money."  And so the pair set forth together, thinking
to conquer the world.
        Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick.  Firmware said to them: "The Tao
lies beyond Yin and Yang.  It is silent and still as a pool of water.  It does
not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence.  It does not seeks fortune,
for it is complete within itself.  It exists beyond space and time."
        Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

        Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
        "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
        "Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
right on time and everything was find for the first three holes.  Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...

        Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
        To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
the gun on himself!"
        "Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
        "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
have been worse?"
        "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
dead right now."