Freebsd Fortunes 2

        Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea.  One day,
in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
dolphins live forever!
        Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird.  Carried
away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
steal one of these birds.
        Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
escaping from its cage.  The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
        Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
bird.  He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
car.  Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

        Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
through the woods.  All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her.  "Maiden," croaked the
frog, "would you do me a favor?  This will be hard for you to believe, but
I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
        "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl.  "I'll do anything I can to
help you break such a spell."
        "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
the night under her pillow."
        The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
pillow that night when she retired.  When she awoke the next morning, sure
enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
royal blood.  And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
her father and mother still don't believe her story.

        Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught.  He fought with it for hours,
until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface.  Looking of the edge
of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface.  Smiling
with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up.  Unfortunately, he
accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
"sploosh!"  Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch.  Sadly, the
fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
        Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
boring assembly-line job in a large city.  He worked in a fish-processing
plant.  It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
heads, readying them for the next phase in processing.  This monotonous task
went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
his entire world, day after day, week after weary week.  Well, one day, as he
was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
the line looked very familiar.  Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
he had lost on that day so many years ago?  He trembled with anticipation as
his cleaver came down.  IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD!  IT WAS HIS THUMB!

        Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
to experience an elephant for the first time.  One approached the elephant,
and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
like a tree."  The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
is like a strong hose."  The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool!  An elephant
is like a rope!"  The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
a wall."  The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
perception of the elephant.
        The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
attacked the men.  He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
bloody lumps of flesh.  Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions.  When I first saw
them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."

        Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
in a certain kingdom.  And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
who was of marriageable age.  Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
win her hand.  The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross.  As they coped with
each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page.  He was
not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
in short, a complete flop.  When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
treasure.  The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
thought of this and were unprepared.  The youngest, however, had the
answer:  Promise her anything, but give her our page.

        Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
complexities.  Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
        Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
available to anyone.
                -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"

        One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
a better garbage collector.  We must keep a reference count of the pointers
to each cons."
        Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
collector..."

        One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
an enlightened state.  Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
went to speak with him.
        "We have heard that you are enlightened.  Is this true?" his fellow
students inquired.
        "It is", Kyogen answered.
        "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
        "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.

        One evening he spoke.  Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
he allowed his soul to be heard.  "My darling, anything you wish, anything
I am, anything I can ever be...  That's what I want to offer you -- not the
things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
them.  That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
you."
        The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
Kelly?"
        He got up.  He said nothing and walked out of the house.  He never
saw that girl again.  Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
                -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"

        One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
and drove off along the route.  No problems for the first few stops -- a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.  At the next
stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.  Six feet eight, built like a
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.  He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
        Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek?  Well, he was.  Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
happy about it.  Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.  And the next day, and the
one after that, and so forth.  This grated on the bus driver, who started
losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.  Finally he
could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
and all that good stuff.  By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself.
        So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
        With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
bus pass."