Freebsd Fortunes 2

        The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
forest, hunting bear.  They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
their backpacks off and put them inside.  At which point the salesman turned
to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
        Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
on the porch.  Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest.  The noises
got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
        "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
        The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
suddenly stopped, and stepped aside.  The bear, unable to stop, continued
through the door and into the cabin.  The salesman slammed the door closed
and grinned at his friend.  "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
one and I'll go rustle us up another!"

        The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
of some pieces of wood.  Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
field for many years in both chess and ax murders.  It is well known that as
early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
incentive.  Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
threatened them with a pointy stick.  That these tactics proved fruitless
is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
Iceland and get it from the Russians.
                -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy"

        The Tao gave birth to machine language.  Machine language gave birth
to the assembler.
        The assembler gave birth to the compiler.  Now there are ten thousand
languages.
        Each language has its purpose, however humble.  Each language
expresses the Yin and Yang of software.  Each language has its place within
the Tao.
        But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

        The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
        Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.

A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever.  The way marriage
should be but never quite is.  People grow and change and sometimes want to
take their clothes off with strangers.  So when you invest in a fine piece
of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
statement.  You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
of your hard-earned money on her.  Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
only precious jewelry can buy.  Isn't she worth it?

        The Honeymoon's Over:                   from $ 5000
        The Seven Year Itch:                    from $10000
        No More Lunchtime Quickies:             from $15000
        Divorce Would Be More Expensive:        from $42000

                        A diamond is for leverage.  BeDears

        The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it.  The average
programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it.  The foolish programmer
is told about the Tao and laughs at it.  If it were not for laughter, there
would be no Tao.
        The highest sounds are the hardest to hear.  Going forward is a way to
retreat.  Greater talent shows itself late in life.  Even a perfect program
still has bugs.
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

        THE WOMBAT

The wombat lives across the seas,
Among the far Antipodes.
He may exist on nuts and berries,
Or then again, on missionaries;
His distant habitat precludes
Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
But I would not engage the wombat
In any form of mortal combat.

        The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
his ticket at home.  Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat.  After an hour's
wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
Dave!"  The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
of the voice -- with no success.   Then he realized he had lost his place in
line and had to wait all over again.  When the fan finally bought his ticket,
he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink.  The line at the concession stand
was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait.  Just as
he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!"  Again the Aggie tried
to find the voice -- but no luck.  He was very upset as he got back in line
for his drink.  Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs,  "My name is not
Dave!"

        Them Toad Suckers

How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!

Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.

Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!

Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!

How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
                -- Mason Williams

        Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.

        He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
open market.

        If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
himself.

        Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
        Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
        Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
                -- Kehlog Albran

        Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
it's got so much stuff floating around in it.  It takes the edge out of
the colors.  Down here even the traffic lights are pastel.  And people!
With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
make sure that they are Earthlings.  Then there's the police.  In Portland,
when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS!  ALL!  STARTED!  WHEN!  YOU!  WERE!
THREE! YEARS!  OLD!  ON!  ACCOUNT! OF!  YOUR MOTHER!  RIGHT?  SO!  LET'S!
TALK! ABOUT!  IT!"  Down here they don't waste that kind of time.  The LAPD
has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
                -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"