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VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify.
IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
watching it happen to a duck instead.
X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
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<< WAIT >>
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... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
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... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
-- Fred Brooks
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... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
barely able to walk.
"Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
"The good news first!"
"All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
"And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
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!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
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1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
-- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
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(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
furniture, shelves, and showcases.
(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
Wash the windows once a week.
(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
coal for the day's business.
(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
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1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
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1. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
-- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"