Freebsd Fortunes 2

... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
Carrot.  One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic.  They all
piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country.  But Pa Carrot
wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
right into a tree.  Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
poor Baby Carrot got broken in two.  They frantically rushed him to the
hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
to save Baby Carrot's life.  Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
        After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
barely able to walk.
        "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
        "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
        Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
"The good news first!"
        "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
        "And the bad news?  What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
the eye.  "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
his life."

!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH

1:      A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
2:      An inclined plane is a slope up.
3:      A slow pup is a lazy dog.

QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
                -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"

(1)     Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
        furniture, shelves, and showcases.
(2)     Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
        Wash the windows once a week.
(3)     Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
        coal for the day's business.
(4)     Make your pens carefully.  You may whittle nibs to your
        individual taste.
(5)     This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
        on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed.  Each
        employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
        church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
                -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
                    Works, 1872

1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.

1.  If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
2.  If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
3.  Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
4.  It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5.  Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
6.  Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
7.  Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
8.  Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
9.  Remember:  Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
                -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"

[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
[2] Great generals are forewarned.
[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
[4] Four is an even number.
[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
        Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.

[1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
[2] Great generals are forewarned.
[3] Forewarned is forearmed.
[4] Four is an even number.
[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
        Therefore, all horses are black.

1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
        the social ramble ain't restful.
5. Avoid running at all times.
6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
                -- S. Paige, c. 1951

1 Billion dollars of budget deficit             = 1 Gramm-Rudman
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears    = Avocado's number
2 pints                                         = 1 Cavort
Basic unit of Laryngitis                        = The Hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes             = A straight line
6 Curses                                        = 1 Hexahex
3500 Calories                                   = 1 Food Pound
1 Mole                                          = 007 Secret Agents
1 Mole                                          = 25 Cagey Bees
1 Dog Pound                                     = 16 oz. of Alpo
1000 beers served at a Twins game               = 1 Killibrew
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
2000 pounds of chinese soup                     = 1 Won Ton
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes           = 1 Microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier  = 1 Machturtle
8 Catfish                                       = 1 Octo-puss
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer.               = 1 Lite-year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone                  = 1 Rod Serling
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies    = 1 Fig-newton
        to 1 meter per second
One half large intestine                        = 1 Semicolon
10 to the minus 6th power Movie                 = 1 Microfilm
1000 pains                                      = 1 Megahertz
1 Word                                          = 1 Millipicture
1 Sagan                                         = Billions & Billions
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety         = 1000 nail-bytes
10 to the 12th power microphones                = 1 Megaphone
10 to the 6th power Bicycles                    = 2 megacycles
The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship     = 1 Millihelen