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"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
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A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
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A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
examine him about his recent diet.
"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
Tell me a bit about this missionary."
"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
|Freebsd Fortunes 2: 534 of 1371|
A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
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A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
|Freebsd Fortunes 2: 536 of 1371|
A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
does not prove anything.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
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A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
|Freebsd Fortunes 2: 538 of 1371|
A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
|Freebsd Fortunes 2: 539 of 1371|
A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
who passed it on to theirs.
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A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."