Freebsd Fortunes 2

A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
                -- Proverbs 15:1

A soft drink turneth away company.

A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg
that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
                -- Mark Twain

A song in time is worth a dime.

A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
family dog, Old Blue with him, for company.  He's only been there a few weeks
when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it.  The boy calls his folks:
        "How are you?" they ask.
        "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
        "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
        "Well, he's kind of depressed.  You see, there's this lady up here
that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk.  She charges a thousand
dollars."
        The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation.  The boy leaves Ol' Blue
at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents.  Sure
enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
"Where's Old Blue?"
        "Well, Pa," says the boy.  "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm.  Old Blue,
well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
years?'"
        The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"

A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.

A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
                -- Harry S. Truman

A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.

A stitch in time saves nine.

"...A strange enigma is man!"
"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
        "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes.  "He remarked
that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
becomes a mathematical certainty.  You can, for example, never foretell what
any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
will be up to.  Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant.  So says
the statistician."
                -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"