Freebsd Fortunes 2

        After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
        the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
would finally find and enter the Promised Land.  With him, he brought his
favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
camp chores.
        The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
        as the months passed, became very fond of him.  Patriarchs took to
discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
ending, he abruptly wore out.  Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
        "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it.  He must be properly
interred.  We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians.  Nor have we wood for
a coffin.  But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
cattle.  We shall bury him in it."
        Feghoot agreed.  "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
        Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
        "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
                -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
                   Feghoot!"

        After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
        "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
        "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
        "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
name."

        All that you touch,             And all you create,
        All that you see,               And all you destroy,
        All that you taste,             All that you do,
        All you feel,                   And all you say,
        And all that you love,          All that you eat,
        And all that you hate,          And everyone you meet,
        All you distrust,               All that you slight,
        All you save,                   And everyone you fight,
        And all that you give,          And all that is now,
        And all that you deal,          And all that is gone,
        All that you buy,               And all that's to come,
        Beg, borrow or steal,           And everything under the sun is
                                                in tune,
                                        But the sun is eclipsed
                                        By the moon.

There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
                -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"

        America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
with one astronaut from each country.  Since it's going to be two long, lonely
years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
or less.  The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
wife. They approve.
        The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin.  I
want 100 lbs. of textbooks."  The NASA board approves.  The Russian astronaut
thinks for a second and says, "Two years...  all right, I want 150 pounds of
the best Cuban cigars ever made."   Again, NASA okays it.
        Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
to welcome back the astronauts.  Well, it's obvious what the American's been
up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant.  The crowd cheers.  The
Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
perfect Latin.  The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
impressed and they cheer again.  The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
screams: "Anybody got a match?"

        An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He knows
he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
restraint.
        As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away to be used "next
time".  Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
is ready to build a second system.
        This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.  When
he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
generalizable.
        The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
                -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"

        An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
        After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
voluptuous woman.
        After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
        The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
        "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
handsome prince!"
        And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
        As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
fixed?"

        An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
is severely rationed).  When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
        "What is this?" he shouts.  "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
piece of meat?  This rotten system stinks!"
        Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
"Take it easy, comrade.  Remember what would have happened if you had made an
outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
this head and pulls the trigger.
        The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
again?"
        "It's worse than that," he replies.  "They're out of bullets."
                -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987

        An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
to killed, your deaths will not be in vain.  Every part of your body will be
used.  Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry.  Your hair will be
woven into clothing, for my people are naked.  Your bones will be ground up
and made into medicine, for my people are sick.  Your skin will be stretched
over canoe frames, for my people need transportation.  We are a fair people,
and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
        The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
while plunging the knife into his heart.
        The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
        The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"

        An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?"
        Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
                -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"

        And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
        (skip a bit brother...)
        Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
shall be three.  Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.  Once the number
three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
snuff it.
                -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"