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"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead
girl or a live boy."
-- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards

David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
        * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
        * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
        * Hourly motel rates
        * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
        * Didn't just give up right away during World War II like some
            countries we could mention
        * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
        * Our well-behaved golf professionals
        * Fabulous babes coast to coast

"Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!"
   "No, but the first of you turns my stomach!"
-- The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger

Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
 -- Russian Proverb

"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.   If your ideas are any good,
you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
 -- Howard Aiken

"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'"
 -- David Parnas

"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it."
 -- C. Schulz

"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make
empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians have made
a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the
bonds of Hell."
 -- Saint Augustine

"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."
 -- F. Borquin

 "I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means.  It means we
  get to keep all our old mistakes."
 -- Dennie van Tassel