Freebsd Fortunes

You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
houses.  Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many
scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
summer.  If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"

You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's."  In
many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
If you are traveling with a child  aged six months to three years, you
should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.

In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
hemorrhoids.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"

"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture."
                -- Business Professor, University of Georgia

You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.

You too can wear a nose mitten.

You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.

You will be surprised by a loud noise.

You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.

You will feel hungry again in another hour.