Freebsd Fortunes 5

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
                -- W.C. Fields' epitaph

On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
come out?"  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
ideas that could provoke such a question.
                -- Charles Babbage

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
                -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
                -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

Once, adv.: Enough.

Once again dread deed is done.
Canon sleeps,
his all-knowing eye shaded
to human chance and circumstance.
Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
but Canon's sleep is troubled.

Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
Impatient hands wait eagerly
to grasp, to hold
scant moments of time
wrested from life in the full
glory of Canon's power;
held captive by his unblinking eye.

Three golden orbs stand watch;
one each to toll the day, hour, minute
until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
When that feared moment arives,
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee."
                -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
                   Valley Pawn Shop today"

Once Again From the Top

Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
George Wilson.  Each of these items was erroneous material published
inadvertently.  He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
The Herald regrets the errors."
                -- "The Progressive", March, 1987

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each
of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
        In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People passing
each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!"
or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
...
        Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them.  Holiday shoppers
have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag.  If your
children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
that ought to shut them up.
                -- Dave Barry

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir,
that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli
replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your
mistress".

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
                -- Homer