Humor: Best of Fortunes for Monday June 27, 2016

A horny young fellow named Reg, Was jerking off under a hedge...
A horny young fellow named Reg, Was jerking off under a hedge. The gardener drew near With a huge pruning shear, And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.

A newlywed couple from Goshen Spent their honeymoon sailing...
A newlywed couple from Goshen Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. In twenty-eight days They got laid eighty ways -- Imagine such fucking devotion!

There once was a man named McSweeny Who spilled some raw gin...
There once was a man named McSweeny Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. Just to be couth, He added vermouth, And slipped his girlfriend a martini.

There was a young lady named Astor Who never let any get past...
There was a young lady named Astor Who never let any get past her. She finally got plenty By stopping twenty, Which certainly ought to last her.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers...
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso

Computers don't actually think. You just think they...
Computers don't actually think. You just think they think. (We think.)

"We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off,...
"We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities." -- Robin Williams, _Good Morning Vietnam_

All extremists should be taken out and shot.
All extremists should be taken out and shot.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States...
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. - Francis Bellamy, 1892

"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." ...
"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." "Did you ever see a doctor?" "No, just spots."