Freebsd Fortunes 7

You know your apartment is small...
        when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
        you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
        you have to go outside to change your mind.
        you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.

You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
mother is allowed to take.

You know you're in a small town when...
        You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
        You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
                merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
        Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
        You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
        You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
        You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.

You know you're in trouble when...
1)      You wake up face down on the pavement.
2)      Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
3)      You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
                out of the city.
4)      Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
5)      You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
                remember that you don't have a waterbed.
6)      Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.

You know you're in trouble when...
1)      Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
                follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
2)      You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
                and there aren't any.
3)      Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
4)      The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
5)      You wake up and your braces are locked together.
6)      Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

You know you're in trouble when...
(1)     Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
                her own business.
(2)     You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
(3)     You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
(4)     You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
(5)     Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
(6)     Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
                flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
(7)     You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.

You know you're in trouble when...
(1)     You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
                skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
(2)     Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
(3)     Your income tax check bounces.
(4)     You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
(5)     Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
(6)     You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
                after you bought a waterbed.
(7)     You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
                clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
                for your spouse.

You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.

You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.

You learn to write as if to someone else
because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".