Freebsd Fortunes 7

When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
                -- Al Capone

When I think about myself,
I almost laugh myself to death,
My life has been one great big joke,    Sixty years in these folks' world
A dance that's walked                   The child I works for calls me girl
A song that's spoke,                    I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
I laugh so hard I almost choke          Too proud to bend
When I think about myself.              Too poor to break,
                                        I laugh until my stomach ache,
                                        When I think about myself.
My folks can make me split my side,
I laughed so hard I nearly died,
The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
They grow the fruit,
But eat the rind,
I laugh until I start to crying,
When I think about my folks.
                -- Maya Angelou

When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.

When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
Now I'm beginning to believe it.
                -- Clarence Darrow

When I was a child...  We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
I was an only child...  eventually.
                -- Stephen Wright

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.  After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
                -- Jack Handey

When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard.
I was an only child... eventually.
                -- Steven Wright

When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
woman.  Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
                -- Robert Schuman

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
                -- Steven Wright

When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.

I tell ya I was an ugly kid.  I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
picture that came with the wallet he bought.
                -- Rodney Dangerfield