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Will Rogers never met you.
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Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
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Will your long-winded speeches never end?
What ails you that you keep on arguing?
-- Job 16:3
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William Safire's Rules for Writers:
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice
should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form.
Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if
you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a
great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A
writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence
with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word
to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place
pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10
or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling
participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a
sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid
mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone
should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always
follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;
seek viable alternatives.
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Williams and Holland's Law:
If enough data is collected,
anything may be proven by statistical methods.
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Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
-- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
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All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
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Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
-- Vince Lombardi
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Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
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Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
-- Stephen Wright