Humor: Best of Fortunes for Monday March 20, 2017

Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence (1) Never use...
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs. (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground. (3) If you're on fire,...

A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed...
A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth...

There once was a sailor named Gasted, A swell guy, as long...
There once was a sailor named Gasted, A swell guy, as long as he lasted, He could jerk himself off In a basket, aloft, Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.

The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.

Death didn't answer. He was looking at Spold in the same...
Death didn't answer. He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looks at a bone, only in this case things were more or less the other way around. -- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"

God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept...
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright