Daily FortunesMay 17, 2016
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went...
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer...
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park...
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
-- Steven Wright
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast...
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
-- Steven Wright
"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn...
"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell...
I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said,...
I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
She said, "How...
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Daily Fortunes for May 17, 2016
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