Freebsd Limericks

An old maid who had a pet ape
Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
        His red, hairy phallus
        So filled her with malice
That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.

An old man at the Folies Bergere
Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
        It snipped off a twat-curl
        From each new chorus girl,
And he had a wig made of the hair.

An organist playing in York
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
        And between obbligatos
        He'd munch at tomatoes,
To keep up his strength while at work.

An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
        Her climatic fame spread
        With an ad blitz that said:
Coming soon at a theater near you!

An uptight young lady named Breerley
Who valued her morals too dearly
        Had sex, so I hear,
        Only once every year,
And she strained her vagina severely.

And earnest young woman in Thrace
Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
        So he gave her a thwack,
        And did on her back,
What he couldn't have done face to face.

And then there's the story that's fraught
With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
        When a chap took a crap
        In the woods, and a trap
Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!

As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
        Since he thinks it's effete
        To be beating his meat,
What he's into is licking his chops.

As he came in his chubby choirboy,
Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
        If no sodomy levens
        And possible heavens,
Existence will merely annoy."

As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
        I could not bear the loss,
        For with scarlet silk floss
My mama has embroidered their clocks."
                -- Edward Gorey