Freebsd Limericks

A mortician who practised in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
        "How could I know, Judge?
        She was cold, did not budge--
Just the same as she'd acted in life."

A nasty old drunk in Carmel
Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
        He says, "Some don't favor
        That unusual flavor,
But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"

A nervous young fellow named Fred
Took a charming young widow to bed.
        When he'd diddled a while
        She remarked with a smile,
"You've got it all in but the head."

A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
        I learn from my spies
        He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.

A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
        In twenty-eight days
        They got laid eighty ways --
Imagine such fucking devotion!

A newly-wed man of Peru
Found himself in a terrible stew:
        His wife was in bed
        Much deader than dead,
And so he had no one to screw.

A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
        Reads the sign o'er the head
        Of her well-rumpled bed
"The customer always comes first."

A novice was told by the Abbot:
"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
        While they roll in the hay
        You just stay home and pray.
You've got to get out of that habit."

A nudist resort at Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
        But he made members weep
        For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.

A nurse motivated by spite
Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
        She launched it with ease
        On the afternoon breeze,
And watched till it flew out of sight.
                -- Edward Gorey