Freebsd Limericks

There was a young woman named Sutton
Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
        "My father preferred
        The last sheep in the herd --
This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."

There was a young woman of Cheadle,
Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
        Said she, "Does it itch?"
        "It does, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."

There was a young woman of Condover
Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
        Her pussy was juicy,
        Her arse soft and goosey,
But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.

There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
        Having reasoned that candles
        Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.

Said another young woman of Croft,
Amusing herself in the loft,
        "A salami or wurst
        Is what I'd choose first --
With bologna you know you've been boffed."

There was a young woman, quite handsome,
Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
        When she offered much gold
        For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom.

There was a young woman whose stammer
Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
        But they were not improved
        When her husband was moved
To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
                -- Edward Gorey

There was an old abbess quite shocked
To find nuns where the candles were locked.
        Said the abbess, "You nuns
        Should behave more like guns,
And never go off till you're cocked."

There was an old bishop from Buckingham
Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
        His wife with distain
        Could scarcely restrain
That sprightly old bishop from * * *.

There was an old count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
        So, with great savoir-faire,
        She stood on a chair
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.

There was an old curate of Hestion
Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
        But so small was his tool
        He could scarce screw a spool,
And a cunt was quite out of the question.