Freebsd Limericks

There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
        He fell on his cutlass
        Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

There was an old satyr named Mack
Whose prick had a left handed tack.
        If the ladies he loves
        Don't spin when he shoves,
Their cervixes frequently crack.

There was an old Scot named McTavish
Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
        The object of rape
        Was the wrong sex of ape,
And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.

There was an old whore from Silesia
Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
        For a slight extra sum
        You can go up my bum
But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."

There was an old whore in the Azores
Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
        Why the dogs in the street
        Wouldn't eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.

There was an old woman of Ghent
Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
        She got fucked so often
        At last she got rotten,
And didn't she stink when she spent.

There was once a mechanic named Bench
Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
        With this vibrant device
        He could reach, in a trice,
The innermost parts of a wench.

There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
        What they do to my wife--
        Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is, they all do it well.

There were three ladies of Huxham,
And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
        And when that game grows stale
        We sits on a rail,
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.

There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
        They lifted the frock
        And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.

Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a good public school,
        So he took down their britches
        And buggered those bitches
With his ten-inch episcopal tool.

Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
        "The vicar is quicker
        And thicker and slicker,
And longer and stronger than you."
                -- Abuses of the Clergy