Daily Fortunes

Aug 5, 2016

I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably...
I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, working for scale. -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War...
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. -- Woody Allen

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it...
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops." In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never...

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went...
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park...
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. -- Steven Wright

Daily Fortunes for Aug 5, 2016

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