Humor: Best of Fortunes for the year 2011

Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master...
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.

If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes...
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics...

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have...
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. -- Pope John Paul I

If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western...
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. -- Stanley Garn

If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will...
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day.

If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you...
If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party next year. What you should...

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was...
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because...
I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards me. I picked them up and rolled...

I'm not the person your mother warned you about...
I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good. -- Amy Gorin