Humor: Worst of Fortunes for Tuesday July 11, 2017

ABSENT: Exposed to the attacks of friends and ...
ABSENT: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.

A chippy who worked in Black Bluff Had a pussy as large as...
A chippy who worked in Black Bluff Had a pussy as large as a muff. It had room for both hands And some intimate glands, And was soft as a little duck's fluff.

A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine...
A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine. On the twenty-third stroke The goddam thing broke And beat both his balls to a creame.

A gift was delivered to Laura From a cousin who lived...
A gift was delivered to Laura From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; Wrapped in tissue and crepe, It was peeled, like a grape, And emitted a pale, greenish aura. -- Edward Gorey