Humor: Worst of Fortunes for the month of May, 2017

A playful young chemist named Byrd Had an urge that could...
A playful young chemist named Byrd Had an urge that could not be deferred. So to irritate Knox He shit in his sox, And plastered the walls with his turd.

There once was a monk of Camyre Who was seized with a carnal...
There once was a monk of Camyre Who was seized with a carnal desire And the primary cause Was the abbess's drawers Which were hung up to dry by the fire.

There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hairier...
There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, Till a prince from Peru Who came up for a screw Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

There was a young man from Kent Whose tool was so long that...
There was a young man from Kent Whose tool was so long that it bent. To save himself trouble He put it in double And instead of coming, he went.

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken...
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in...

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning...
Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first...
Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad. -- William Shakespeare, "King John"

Boucher's Observation: He who blows his own horn always...
Boucher's Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.

Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if...
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.

A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine...
A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine. On the twenty-third stroke The fuckin' thing broke And beat both his balls to a creame.