Freebsd Fortunes 4

I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
and Superman away.
                -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
intelligence.  They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
seem to work.
                -- Gallagher

I wish you humans would leave me alone.

I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.

I woke up a feelin' mean
went down to play the slot machine
the wheels turned round,
and the letters read
"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
                -- Grateful Dead

I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate,
"Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?"
                -- Steven Wright

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
                -- Bastian B. Bux

I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
                -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp

I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me,
"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
                -- Steven Wright

I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
after we've been home a long while.
                -- Casey Stengel