Humor: Best of Fortunes for the month of August, 2014

There once was a man named Lodge, who had seatbelts installed...
There once was a man named Lodge, who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. When his date was strapped in, He committed a sin, without ever leaving the garage.

ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken...
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in...

Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to...
Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.

If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys...
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.

In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they...
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't get parts.

I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best...
I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

I went home with a waitress, The way I always do. How I was...
I went home with a waitress, The way I always do. How I was I to know? She was with the Russians too. I was gambling in Havana, I took a little risk. Send lawyers, guns, and money, Dad, get me out of this. -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers,...

A certain young man, it was noted, Went about in the heat...
A certain young man, it was noted, Went about in the heat thickly-coated; He said, "You may scoff, But I shan't take it off; Underneath I am horribly bloated." -- Edward Gorey

A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, Used a dynamite stick for...
A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. She blew her vagina To South Carolina, And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. They...

A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, Who's cultured,...
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, Had achieved some reknown For her tone going down-- There's a nice civil tongue in her head.